Bonni Stachowiak: Today on episode number 399 of the Teaching in Higher Ed Podcast, satire from McSweeney’s.

Production Credit: Produced by Innovate Learning, maximizing human potential.

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Bonni: Welcome to this episode of Teaching in Higher Ed. I’m Bonni Stachowiak and this is the space where we explore the art and science of being more effective at facilitating learning. We also share ways to improve our productivity approaches so we can have more peace in our lives and be even more present for our students. The other day, I responded to a woman that I follow on Twitter, she had said something, what my mom would have described as snarky, I think is the best explanation, and so I wrote some kind of a quick reply that said something like, “Ha!” Then I don’t even know what else I said, but somebody that I do not know replied to me and said, “This is all very serious.”

I wrote back and said, “I apologize, not knowing me out of context, then someone wouldn’t know that I do take this all very seriously.” Anyway, it was the world’s shortest internet fight. It wasn’t even really a fight because she clicked like and moved on with her day, I could only assume, as did I. I wanted to share with you a little bit of satire today, but before I do, just in case this is your first time ever listening to Teaching in Higher Ed, please to know that I do take the pandemic very seriously. To paraphrase the Indigo Girls, sometimes you just have to laugh because otherwise, you would cry.

This happens to be one of those moments that I know for so many of my friends and colleagues the same to them where it gets hard and just sometimes you need a little bit of a release, and that, to me, is what this episode is all about. I did receive permission from McSweeney’s to read this little bit of satire to you. I hope that it does bring you a little bit of laughter in what I know is quite likely a difficult time. This piece is written by Julie Cadman-Kim. Again, I did receive permission from both McSweeney’s and from Julie herself to read this today on the podcast. The title, How We Will Separate You From Any Lingering Hope and Other Important Topics of Today’s Faculty Meeting by Julie Cadman-Kim.

Dear teachers, as we continue to grapple with unavoidable disruptions caused by the pandemic, it’s important that we remain prepared and flexible for any and all circumstances. Please read the following scenarios and be ready to discuss them at this afternoon’s faculty meeting. Scenario one, there are 10 students at home, zoomies, and 10 students in person, roomies. You have been drinking steadily since 2020 and can’t stop crying. You’re also in person, double-masked, and weigh 15 pounds more than you did when this all started. Describe the tech you’ll utilize to ensure all students are engaged learners?

What are some ways you can form a connection between roomies and zoomies so that all students feel heard? How can you ensure that all students are following the lesson you were asked to cobble together last night using old Kleenex and tears of years gone by? Scenario two, there are 10 students at home, zoomies, and 10 students in person, roomies. You have contracted COVID, a never-ending depression and you must work from home in pajama pants and your least dirty blouse. You may or may not have remembered to brush your teeth and put on a bra.

Describe the tech you’ll use to ensure all students are engaged learners and detail how you can keep your cats, kids, partner from interrupting your lesson. What are some ways you can form a connection between roomies and zoomies so that all students feel heard when you yourself are teetering on the precipice of oblivion? How can you ensure that students are following the lesson you’ve thrown by the wayside in favor of old Arthur reruns and episodes of Ted Lasso because we all just deserve to feel a little comfort right now, okay?

Scenario three, there are 10 students in person with you, hostages, and 10 students being dragged behind you in a rickety wagon, captives.

You are teaching from a runaway train traveling 110 miles an hour toward the edge of a cliff. Describe the tech you’ll use to ensure all students are engaged learners. Pay special attention to how you’ll mitigate the disruption caused by students screams. What are some ways you can form a connection between hostages and captives so that all students feel heard? Also, consider how anyone can be heard over the sound of the train engine, and again, maul the screaming. How can you ensure that students are following the lesson when none of you are actually going to survive what’s coming?

Scenario four, there are 10 students who are disembodied spirits, ghosts, and 10 students who are no longer capable of speaking due to pandemic-related trauma, mutes. Additionally, you must appease a cadre of Gorgons calling for your blood. You are teaching from an alternate plane of existence in which you must communicate via glowing screens, telepathic whispers, and the nostalgia of knowing that once upon a time, you thought this would all be over by now. Describe the tech you’ll utilize to transcend your current reality and enter another reality that is soft and quiet and filled with gentle caresses.

How can you facilitate a meaningful seance, animal sacrifice, collective howl into the void between ghosts and mutes that will please the Gorgons and not result in bloodletting? How can you ensure that all students are following the lesson the Gorgons demand that you teach when everything is meaningless right now, except the falling of fresh snow, and the coo of a baby, and the tired sigh of your last living grandparent, and the beating of your own heart? Looking forward to how you thought through these likely scenarios at the faculty meeting today. We’re all in this together, the Gorgons.

That was How We Will Separate You from Any Lingering Hope and Other Important Topics of Today’s Faculty Meeting by Julie Cadman-Kim from McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Thanks once again to the author and the publication for allowing me to share it on today’s episode. Again, I do hope that that brought you a little bit of laughter in what I do know is a difficult time for so many. I wanted to now move over to the recommendations segment and share a little bit about something that I found from Professor Michelle Ryan. She shared a tweet about the tl;dr, which stands for too long didn’t read, tl;dr Papers website.

This is a place where you can go and paste in a research paper, and what it will return is that research paper via some sort of algorithm in more plain language. I have a nephew named Nick Frazee and he and his co-researcher, Blake Mertz, he actually helped me over text messages that “I want to try this out, would you be willing to share one of your scholarly articles and see what it pushes back.” He does computational cancer research among other things.

I have to be candid with you now, the article that he sent over, I asked for the original citation which he did send and I do have in the show notes, but it means practically nothing to you, which is why this tl;dr is so helpful to us, tl;dr Papers website is so helpful to us. If you’d like, in the short notes, you can check out what it was that was the actual scholarly research from his and his colleague’s paper that they wrote, and then I shall read aloud what the tl;dr Papers website returned. The name of the article that they wrote is called Intermolecular Interactions Play a Key Role in Stabilization of PHLIP at Acidic Conditions by Nicolas Frazee and Blake Mertz.

Yes, that’s not really saying anything to me, even though he’s very patient whenever I have an opportunity on the rare occasion to speak with him about his research, but here is what the tl;dr papers website returned with reference to their scholarly article. Scientists do experiments which are hard to do in real life but easy to do in a computer. They use a computer program to make the experiment happen inside the computer. Scientists use this process to understand how things work. They use this process to understand how biology works and how things that we use work. Again, that was the version from the tl;dr version.

My nephew Nick said, “They’re not wrong” over text messages, we were communicating about that, so that was really fun. Again, hopefully, today’s short episode brought you a little bit of laughter, a little bit of maybe escapism. I do wish that you are well and thank you for being a part of the Teaching in Higher Ed community and for listening to today’s episode. If you’ve been listening for a while and you have yet to give a review or a rating of the show or even just recommend it to a colleague, I would much appreciate if you would do any or all of those things.

If you have yet to subscribe to the Teaching in Higher Ed update that will automatically send the links from the most recent episode, including, by the way, today’s article that I read along with their recommendations and other additional recommendations that don’t show up in the main shows, as well as some quotable words, you can head on over to teachinginhighered.com/subscribe, and that’ll get you subscribed to that weekly email. Thank you again for listening, and I’ll see you next time on Teaching in Higher Ed.

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The transcript of this episode has been made possible through a financial contribution by the Association of College and University Educators (ACUE). ACUE is on a mission to ensure student success through quality instruction. In partnership with institutions of higher education nationwide, ACUE supports and credentials faculty members in the use of evidence-based teaching practices that drive student engagement, retention, and learning. 

Teaching in Higher Ed transcripts are created using a combination of an automated transcription service and human beings. This text likely will not represent the precise, word-for-word conversation that was had. The accuracy of the transcripts will vary. The authoritative record of the Teaching in Higher Ed podcasts is contained in the audio file.